Humour

No deletes in real life

T A Balasubramanian gives his take on the programming culture

“So you want to know why programming is important for some humans, eh?” says Brooke Bond, your Project Team Leader at Baffle Corporation, with a gleam in his eye. You imagine that there’s a hint of gleeful anticipation and suppressed delight in his voice.

You, Papyrus Bytewala, CIO of Baffle, and Bond, your eccentric staffer, are sitting across the table, facing the chubby, balding, smiling, nodding replica of Danny DeVito, presently your understudy CTO, and the first biped humanoid. It is part of your job to ensure that this creation becomes a respectable human, able to mix freely with other humans.

“Yes, I do,” grins DeVito. “And you can give it to me straight between the eyes.”

You recall Ironica Asimova’s indulgent introduction of DeVito, her creation, to Baffle. “We make robots that are near-perfect imitations of homo sapiens. We have found ways to turn DeVito into a crafty self-educating cybernetic system. His brain can help him navigate even the most convoluted and Byzantine corporate mazes you can push him through in Baffle’s sprawling metropolis. But of course, he has to be gently introduced to the quirks and practices within Baffle—such as your programming culture—within your IT domain, the ‘inner city’ precinct, so to speak. I leave that part of his education to you, Papyrus.”

So, on your specific request, here is Bond, your most experienced ‘inner city’ programming pundit, all ready to take DeVito on a guided tour.

“Very well, Danny. You have, of course heard many heroic and awe-inspiring stories extolling the virtues of becoming a great programmer. That you will have a sharp mind, great abstract reasoning skills, and a chance to become wealthy by working for just a few hours a day. This is what you’ve heard, right?”

“Indeed I have, Brooke. But I would rather hear it from you. Papyrus tells me that you have … ah, now, what is the phrase for it … a ‘charming way of presenting the unvarnished truth’ about any subject?”

“Yes, that’s me,” says Bond with a grin. “The unvarnished truth. So let me tell you this right away, Danny—the heroic stories are all hogwash. No one ever tells you about the ways in which programming will adversely affect your life as a human being. The physical effects are obvious. You will spend most of your time sitting, probably in an uncomfortable chair that does not promote good posture—at least for the human spinal cord. This is a thin, tubular bundle of nerves that is an extension of the central nervous system ….”

“I know what a spinal cord is, Brooke,” says DeVito. “I know everything there is to know about human anatomy—and a few other things that most humans do not know as well.”

“Oh, all right,” blusters Bond, sheepishly. “Anyway, apart from causing distress to your spine, when you are programming, you will generally fuel yourself with food that is most readily available—meaning that it is more than likely to be processed and full of sugar. And you will most likely choose either coffee or cola to keep away drowsiness, which is the arch-enemy of programmers. Like one of my best coding gurus used to say, ‘If it does not come out of a refrigerator or a can, programmers do not eat it.’ ”

“All right, Brooke,” you sigh. “You can keep the theatrical touches to a minimum. We know how deeply you relate to the ‘worn out about beaten up image of the programming clan.”

“Come on, boss. You said we have to get Danny plugged into the real world—if he is to become a sharp CTO, he should get to see the profession from the trenches, where the troops crawl in the grime, right?”

“Sure. All I am saying is that you can cut the digressions.”

“Hey, I like to hear it with all the digressions,” says DeVito, chuckling. “Let him tell it his way, Papyrus. He makes it spectacularly gloomy. Who is to say that it is not?”

“See?” says Bond, smirking. “He likes my style. In any case, I shall not blather on further about the health risks, as I said, since they are fairly obvious. So what am I talking about? Programming changes more than your body and eating habits. Programming changes the way you think.”

“This is more like what I expect,” you mutter to yourself, nodding with relief.

“So you might hear a programmer say, ‘I like to code in Java because it matches the way I think.’ Now is it really true that this guy has learned to think in Java? Regardless of the language you prefer, you do think differently when you program. It is this change in thinking that can mess up your life.”

DeVito scratches his humanoid head. After a long silence, he says: “Mess up my life, eh? Seems to me that my idea of life must be pretty bleak anyway, if it can be ruined by a coding language.”

“Hold on. What I mean will be clearer as we go along,” snorts Bond. “Here is how you would behave as a programmer. Maybe you are working on an algorithm, or maybe it is a tricky configuration problem, or maybe it is data that needs to be modeled. It does not matter. Your mind will silently wrestle with the thorny problem in search of a solution. The ‘Eureka’ moment will come when you are in the bath, or eating dinner, or, in some cases, it pops up when you sleep. This habit of constant inner wrestling will slowly worm its way into the rest of your life.”

“No wonder you look like you are ready to slam into anyone all the time, Brooke,” you say, partly to break the progressively monotonous narrative tone. “All that mock wrestling must be thrilling, eh?”

“Thrilling? Of course. Programming throws you into the ring with a problem and allows you to eventually solve it, provided you do not throw in the towel. A solution is out there somewhere. Make enough attempts, and the chances are that you will eventually win. It is thrilling because computer programming gives you this seductively large open arena for problem-solving. Make as may attempts as you like, and the program will uncomplainingly execute each one. This gives you a sense of supremacy—a feeling that you cannot ever fail. Anything can be hurdled. You begin to feel invincible.”

“Good. That is something I can relate to,” says DeVito, beaming.

“Then again, a program is highly flexible,” Bond carries on, caught up in his own ramble. “You can tinker and make a nearly unlimited number of changes. You can re-implement. You can optimize. You can run the compile-test-debug cycle ad infinitum. Make a change, see a result pop out on the screen. It is like you are playing God in this little world. You feel charged up and powerful.”

“Seems fun to me,” says DeVito, brightly. “So why would this ‘different thinking’ and ‘wrestling’ and ‘feeling like God’ end up messing my life?”

“Ha! Because all this hubris does not work in the real world, Danny. While you may bump into second chances now and again, the wheels that turn in the bazaar of life are mostly rolling down a one-way street. Time marches on in one direction. We do not have delete or undo options. There’s no way to rewrite our living, pulsating everyday programs—which tend to roll out on their own steam.”

“I see,” says DeVito. “No retakes on this set, eh?”

“Ah, you could say that. It’s good you have a memory steeped in Hollywood.”