Humour

DeVito gets buzzing

DeVito gets an insight into IT people's special collective lingo. By T A Balasubramanian

You, Papyrus Bytewala, CIO of Baffle Corporation, have been given the honorary assignment of updating the program that runs the brain of your very special CTO, code named Danny DeVito—primarily  because of his startling resemblance to the Hollywood original—right down to the style of walking and talking.

“We have created DeVito like a sponge—you will find that he has a voracious appetite for learning,” you have been instructed by Prof Ironica Asimova, Head of Ironica Robotica, who, along with her team, has created the first biped walking humanoid, presumably devoted to improving corporate IT efficiency at Baffle, but under your watchful eye. “DeVito may be an acronym for Debonair, Vocal IT Oddball, but as his CIO and companion, you must keep immersing DeVito in the real world.”

So here you are, observing your CTO, the cybernetic wonder as he sits across the table, frowning and unusually quiet.

“Well, Danny, you look thoughtful today.  Still nursing memories of our recent trip to the Techno Over-exposition of Geeks and Gizmos for Lazy Enterprises (TOGGLE), eh?”

“Umm. Yes, Papyrus. It was fun getting all the attention as Danny DeVito, replica of the Hollywood star. Clearly, the IT world is as colorful and quixotic as the movie world.”

“That’s true. But getting beyond the flattering adoration, I hope you have gathered a lot of unusual knowledge—maybe even gleaned some wisdom—while wandering around there. We need to keep increasing our bandwidth in this business, Danny.”

“Bandwidth? Isn’t that the amount of data a transmission can carry?”

“Literally, yes. But I use it metaphorically here. Corporate spin masters changed it to mean the amount of resources a person has available.  As in ‘Hey, Danny, do we have the bandwidth to get that project finished by the end of the day?’ and so on.”

“Ha, ha. IT humans are funny, Papyrus. They keep crossing their lines between different domains and end up sounding like IT humanoids.”

“Good for you, eh? Now you’re talking the CTO talk. You say ‘crossing lines’ and ‘different domains’ with such easy conviction already. However, note that bandwidth is not about time. It is something else. If you ask someone ‘Do you have the time?’ you mean, ‘Am I a priority for you?’  But if you ask someone ‘Do you have the bandwidth?’ you mean, ‘You look like your brain has fizzled out. Can you recharge yourself and do this for me?’ which is altogether a different proposition.”

“Of course that makes everything clear as a digital whistle. What would you do without these buzz words, Papyrus?”

“Watch your language—these are not ‘buzz words’ Danny—never say that to a person using them. It’s like telling Robert De Niro that you think he is a great ‘method actor,’ which may be true, but he would not like to hear it put that way.”

“Oh? I get it. Art lies in concealing art, eh? We are what we do, not what we say?”

“That may be true of method acting, but when you talk technology, it is the other way round. We are what we say, not what we do, Danny.”

“Umm. So if you do use these buzz words, and I have no idea about what you are saying, where does that leave me?”

“It would mean that you and I are not on the same page. There, you see?”

“That’s a relief, Papyrus. So if we are ‘not on the same page,’ do I take it that it means you are ready to work really hard to understand my point of view—which is, as of now, confused by my inability to comprehend your buzzing?”

“Absolutely not. If I am a buzzer and you do not have the bandwidth to get on the same page as me, it does not mean that I am willing to create a paradigm shift that will enable you, the buzzee, to broaden your horizon.”

“You lost me there, Papyrus. What the heck are you saying?”

“Oh, sorry—I was getting too carried away to notice. What I mean is that when I say ‘Get on my page,’ it means ‘Your page is misplaced. Go find it and come back to me when you are ready.’

“Oh, is that not rude? I would have imagined that if you want to be on the same page as someone else, you politely say, ‘Can you tell me more about how you’re thinking?’ I thought you had instructed me on avoiding rudeness to humans, Papyrus.”

“That is generally true, of course. Not when it comes to throwing your weight around with important words intended to convey your superior stature, Danny. We are what we say …”

“Ah, yes … not what we do. I see. So no one ever condescends to explain the art of the buzz to those lesser endowed in the clan, eh?”

“Exactly, my humanoid friend. But let me tell you the truth. Strictly speaking, there’s no such thing as buzz, you know. It’s only magnifying, uploading and mashing up what already exists. Except that we technology tweakers intentionally make it obscure by ‘crossing lines between different domains’—to use your own felicitous phrase.”

“Why do IT humans complicate their lives this way?”

“For fun, I guess. Do you notice that most of us in the IT corner of the jungle at Baffle speak a special collective lingo?”

“Notice it? I was plunged right into it. There is no real instruction manual on how to do anything at Baffle, as you well know, Papyrus. I just found myself hearing these phrases in meetings and puzzling them out in context. So I started jotting them down in my memory bank.”

“That’s good, Danny. Some of it is a natural shorthand, like the three-letter acronyms which permeate the IT universe like stardust—MP3, CRT, URL, USB, PPT and so on. But a lot of the buzz comes from the sheer joy of creating an impenetrable argot to prevent outsiders from easily grasping it. A kind of fun firewall.”

“Fun firewall, eh? Not for an outsider humanoid like me, Papyrus.”

“I am sure humanoids like you will evolve their own slang once they start appearing in masses in corporations—buzz lingo is the DNA of any occupation you could think of. But since you are destined as of now to be a resident geek at Baffle, you will probably be happier using a lot of in-house buzz anyway as your way of communicating with the rest of the bunch. If you are talking to someone outside the IT firewall, you have to learn to tone the buzz down—maybe even become childlike in your simplicity. A lot of my guys get thrust from software engineer boxes into managerial slots and they have to take a crash course in basic human relations when they come out of the pool.”

“Well, Papyrus, did you ever notice that if you used a phrase in a meeting, all your pool creatures would be using it the next week?”

“Oh, is that so? Infectious, eh?”

“It’s like a plague. I have it all on record. You recall doing a variation of Yoda in ‘Star Wars’ blessing Luke Skywalker with ‘May the Force be with you’ for your developer teams last month?”

“Oh yes. ‘May the Source be with you!’ That was to make sure they kept our software secure.”