Humour

The art of corporate jabbering

T A Balasubramanian explains how strategic discussions get bogged down in meaningless jabber

Peppered with dollops of audacious advice and a dash of loopy wisdom, Dr Don Jong, known as The Oddfather because of the unusual fixes that he offers, opens up another session. The subject of his attention, of course, is Bobo Jitter, the perpetually doubtful CIO of Bazooka Company. Dr Jong, as we observe, has a very special knack for dealing with the quixotic challenges of IT and technology.

“Well, Bobo, what has been the experience of the newly charged up CIO? All set to be a strategy guru, are we?” says Dr Jong, pulling out his cigar and waving it around with a smile. “You were ready to face Fin Fina, your pugnacious CFO, last week. How did it go?”

“Not exactly the way I thought it would swing, Doc. I mean, there I was, all ready to reposition myself as a plucky visionary who can paint the big picture as much as any other guy in Bazooka. Then I started getting these doubts.”

“What doubts?”

“Lately I have been spending a lot of time analyzing myself. I am involved in multiple major IT projects, and I have thought of ways to discuss the strategy on these projects without getting too technically bogged down or simplistic. But I can imagine ways in which Fin Fina or any of the others might puncture my carefully designed arguments.”

“You think they can find loopholes in your presentations? Which would, of course, take the wind out of your strategy sails, eh?”

“Well, not loopholes exactly—more like a missing sail altogether. One of the reasons I think I never get very far in making an impression is that I cannot readily produce a stream of management jabber.”

“Aha. And what is this jabber?”

“You know, most strategic discussions at Bazooka get bogged down in meaningless jabber that is not backed up by anything except a long chain of baseless blatherings couched in corporate geek speak. A hazy and dense accumulation of jargon that nobody really understands—and yet they all keep spouting it like a religious chant.”

“Give me an example, Bobo.”

“All right. I had the following exchange with Brando Bhatt, the Marketing Head at Bazooka: ‘Me: I think we should make the screen simple to use. / Brando: Why?/Me: Because customers like simple screens. / Brando: Why do you think that? / Me: Because they do not like complex screens. / Brando:  Oh, but we need customers to think that we are giving them complex solutions for their business critical needs. If it looks too simple, they may not willingly part with more of their discretionary income for it. We need to look sophisticated, Bobo—we have to add pizzazz to our offerings to put them in the premium league. It bolsters our corporate brand image. We aggressively pursue organic growth by creating exciting innovations and exceptional value for customers. Besides, we owe it to our stakeholders to help them maximize return on their investments. That is our selling strategy. / Me: Oh?”

“Hmm. Yes, I see what you mean. If you work in sales, marketing or finance, the chances are that from the very first days of your career, you will need to liaise with customers. People in these roles quickly learn the importance of jabbering for generating shock and awe or simply to network. But with people who work in IT, such as you, the ride on the jabber highway is strange since you have been able to get along without needing to network in the same way. This can be a disadvantage.”

“It goes all the way up, Doc. Our CEO, Mr Bazooka writes in his chairman’s letter: ‘Bazooka continues to make significant progress as the footprint of this industry expands and gains traction on a global basis. We took bold strides toward achieving our long-term strategic objectives, despite facing a number of significant business challenges. Our strategies are working and our focus on delighting the customer is winning us new business everywhere, every day. We look to 2008 with optimism and high expectations. Like the mountain climbers portrayed on the cover, we have come quite a distance ...’ and so on for a good 8 pages. Just reading it makes me shudder.”

“Truly a natural response. Expanding footprints and climbing mountains to delight customers can be strenuous — even it be on paper—for anyone. But that is the way chairmen are bound to jabber.”

“Yes, but it is a mortifying situation for me Doc—I just cannot seem to come up with the necessary equally meaningless stream of jabber from the CIO corner. Of course, no one has looked at me pityingly yet for not making these cloudy and heavy-sounding noises, and that is probably because it is so much easier for these veterans than it is for me—and they do not expect a CIO to be that way. I tend to be short and precise—that’s what we CIOs have been trained to be. We cannot jabber on pointlessly with computers, which need precise, unambiguous instructions. Jabbering software would make Bazooka’s systems grind to a halt.”

“But jabber you must—if you want to deal with real people on your way up the management ladder, Bobo. It is important in the corporate jungle to learn just how to make such—cloudy and heavy-sounding, as you put it—nonsense. It is what makes customers helpless—and marketing guys like Brando more effective—when they go out to sell. It makes CEOs feel ten feet tall and energizes CFOs as effectively as a good cup of coffee. It is part of the strategist make-up kit.”

“So how do I get there, Doc?”

“I call them jabber-talky lessons. You need immersion in a few real life strategy meetings where you master the technology by talking it. And meetings, as you know, are the crucible where companies make up their corniest jabbering recipes. What happens in these meetings can be broken into three stages. One—everyone believes he or she is strong in strategy. Two—everyone likes to talk about strategy because it is fun and easy. Three—the winning strategy comes from the person that can either make the best emotional appeal—such as widening footprints and mountain climbing—for their strategy, or concoct the best chain of faulty reasoning that sounds strong even though no data backs it up—which is known as pure jabbering. As a result of stage one and two, it often takes forever to get to three. Thus we get jabber-talky, a condition where no one wants to do any clear speaking, but would prefer to talk in circles and sound potentially smart and profound.”

“Sounds promising, Doc. When do you have the next meeting?”

“It depends on Brando. I intend to make him the session leader. At the end of the day, who could be better than a salesman in delivering smart jabber?”

“Brilliant, Doc. Count me in.”

“Ah, of course. Notice that a good strategy to summarize a long, meaningless, rambling session is with the words: ‘At the end of the day...’ This gives the half-asleep listener the impression that you see the ‘big picture’ in a seemingly complex subject.”