Humour

Protocol for humanoids

T A Balasubramanian explains why DeVito needs lessons in human protocol.

Engaged in an eye-opening tour of the many attractions at the Techno Over-exposition of Geeks and Gizmos for Lazy Enterprises (TOGGLE), you, Papyrus Bytewala, CIO of Baffle Corporation, have just started moving away from the crowds thronging the Geek Streak fashion show set up by Dr Peter Phinger, the human borg from Borgia.

Dr Phinger, still wearing his computer, is talking to people in the crowd, occasionally pausing to stare up at the roof. “The idea for the fashion shows came from our student here, Dolly Digital, who is a former model,” he states, introducing a sleek-looking girl in a green, flowing ensemble decorated with silvery cables attached to a pair of neat boxes hung from a wide belt around her hips.

“I came to join Borgia Tech from what was then Czechoslovakia,” she coos, waving to the onlookers. “For many years, I worked as an industrial spy by posing as a model, wearing listening devices while attending fancy parties. I designed and sewed my own dresses, you know, because I had to find creative ways to hide the devices in my clothes. I have been to the usual fashion shows in Milan and Paris, and I wanted to take them to the next level. So I reasoned that if wearable computers became associated with glamour, people might be persuaded to try them out. Whatever they see celebrities or models wearing, they have to have. You could say, I have learned to make a fashion statement out of a professional wardrobe,” she giggles.

“She would hide electronic bugs in a chest pocket, in her sleeves, her belt, or in the lining of a jacket,” says Dr Phinger, taking over smoothly, while Ms Digital gracefully slithers away, even as a beeper sounds from one of the boxes she is wearing. Although he speaks on enthusiastically about being constantly connected, the location of the fashion show, Dr Phinger explains, is a problem for the borgs. The exhibit hall is in a basement, where a clear wireless cellular connection is impossible, so he is not able to get access to his e-mail or use the Internet. To make things worse, he is also beta-testing a new portable computer, one that does not have the same information he has stored on his personal hard drive, which is on his key-chain.

Late in the show, someone asks Dr Phinger for the name of a researcher. He is not able to scan his notes electronically, so he is forced to go back and search his human memory. After making what appears to be a series of frowns, blinks and grotesque facial exercises, he is finally able to recall the name, but he looks distressed at being without his lifeline. “Today I’m not myself,” he groans. “I am undone when I am unwired.”

“Well, Papyrus, we have seen what appears to be the painful beginning of a crazy revolution in techno-wear among humans,” says Danny DeVito, as you resume your walk. The first biped walking humanoid, who is also your CTO, is presently assigned to bring himself, and hopefully thereafter, the corporate IT department at Baffle, up to present-day standards by immersion in the trade show you are now in.

Since you happen to be assigned the role of educative accompanying technology disambiguator, bodyguard and chaperone to DeVito, you nod vaguely, wondering if the programming that makes your CTO tick is getting out of hand. It seems to generate an endless stream of built-in sarcasm about humans. How long will it be before the derogatory references get on your nerves?

Were there too many flaws in the DeVito code? First, there is your discovery of an apparent susceptibility to slick sales talk. He is cheerfully oblivious to the common human responses, such as boredom and outrage, which prevent the odious marketing sharks that swarm trade shows such as these, from making an easy target of you. But you desist from pinning such a charge on him. After all, how would he understand a quirk of human behaviour if he has never been programmed to experience it? Now, again, here he was, airing his superior attitude over the human species, barely able to contain the hubris of being humanoid, even at the risk of revealing too much of his identity.

“Technological revolutions take time to digest, Danny,” you say, playing the wise counsellor with as much patience as you can muster. “We humans are notoriously slow to change. We have evolved across millions of years, like the other mammals you see around. Our biological codes are very ancient, unlike yours, and we can’t be readily re-programmed when there’s a change. We have to be weaned away from old habits and made to adapt gently to new ones.”

“Ancient biological codes? You humans are weird, you know,” says DeVito, moving around you as he walks.

“Well, thanks for telling me. It may be useful if you did not keep reminding me too often, Danny. You need to become more sensitive, you know. We humans tend to get upset over little things. It’s OK by me, I’m your CTO with a long rope, but you might insult an average person’s intelligence by going on about how closely you can ape the human ape. Besides, you have got to learn to restrain yourself from overstating the obvious.”

“Overstating the obvious, eh? I thought what you liked about me was my explicit speaking. Now what do we have here? A new lesson on—shall we call it your civilised protocol for understatement? So you think I explain stuff too much?”

“Well, being explicit is one thing, but rubbing it in too hard is more like what you do. I must say, however, that you’re learning fast. Civilised protocol eh? You’re a sharp little fox, Danny. I grant you that. But maybe—just maybe—you need a restraining protocol too.”

“Oh my! Now I have to get a restraining protocol? Well, Papyrus, it’s fantastic doing all these weird things you human darlings do so naturally with all your glutinous biological cells full of water and gas, and your bacteria-loaded bodies and soft fleshy brains.”

“Well, it might help if you don’t refer to humans as darlings, or talk disparagingly about their perishable cells, bodies and brains. Humans—the human race, in fact is so pumped up with it’s own self-importance that you may become unpopular pretty instantly if you call anyone you do not know intimately a darling—however much you may adore him—or her. People may get insulted by the flimsiest of phrases. So watch your words, Danny. Process them with a fine mesh before you utter anything.”

“Well, Papyrus, if you’re made of perishable organic stuff, the least you can do is to cultivate a lot of respect for immortality. I’m going to be around when your grandchildren are here, probably looking exactly the way I do now, and maybe a million times smarter than I am now, but you? You would be recycled dust by then. Ha!”

It seems that the trade show tour is sparking off much more than a lesson in where geeks and gizmos are heading. DeVito is digging in his cybernetic heels with a ton of feeling.