Humour

Need a tiger in your IT booth?

T A Balasubramanian on how behind every successful trade show there is a polishing guru at work .

Heading deeper into the jungle terrain of the Techno Over-exposition of Geeks and Gizmos for Lazy Enterprises (TOGGLE), accompanied by Danny DeVito, CTO at Baffle Corporation and also the first biped walking humanoid, you, Papyrus Bytewala, CIO of Baffle, encounter your old friend, Nawab Ghoda Ghallstone, Junior.

As you recall from your earlier encounters, this genuine relic from the Raj and pukka sahib was the founder and CEO of Ghallstone Labs. The Nawab, encountering you now, is as effusive and voluble as ever. He is parked in front of a huge stall with the picture of a leaping tiger. Above it is emblazoned the caption, ‘Tiger Polish’ and under it is a tagline, ‘Put a Tiger in Your Booth.’

“Hello, hello. Papyrus Bytewala from Baffle, is it not? Fancy meeting you in a place like this!” he gushes, jaunty as ever, pumping your hand energetically. He is wearing a flowing green sherwani and a neat red turban with an emerald on the front. “The last time I bored you endlessly with my benchmark speeches, did I not? All that is history, my boy, history. As you can see, we have now become trade show tigers, so I must warn you that I might bore you even more,” he guffaws, twirling his bushy moustaches.

“Of course, you might,” you say with mock enthusiasm, introducing Danny DeVito to the Nawab.

“A real nabob, eh?” says DeVito, looking up at the towering man with immediate awe.

“This show has the oddest name for an enterprise IT trade show that I have ever encountered, Papyrus,” says the Nawab. “TOGGLE. Now, there is originality in the concept, but then again the program and the concept are very difficult to comprehend upon reading the promotional material. They should have consulted me. But I digress. You, and your jolly companion, dear DeVito here, would be glad to know that the Royal Ghoda Surf Club, or RGSC, which I proudly own, has become a big name in the business of coaching greenhorn corporate sales dummies in the art of booth sales management. We are now the leaders in trade show polishing.”

“Indeed, Nawab Ghallstone. As I was just explaining to Danny, behind every successful trade show sale, there is a trade show polishing guru at work—and here you are, like popping up like a genie out a bottle.”

Ghallstone guffaws at this. “Modestly speaking, I should not accept the title of guru, Papyrus, but since you insist, we will let it prevail. As you can see, even with a terrible name like TOGGLE, this giant trade show is a big event. Here is where the leading technology companies can speak to their global customers on neutral ground, buyers can compare all their options at one time, and thought leaders can discuss and debate the industry’s future, all within two days. It makes things difficult for the victims—sorry, I mean visitors—as you are no doubt experiencing.”

“It is confusing, all the crowding and the endless sales pitching, no doubt,” you say, to which DeVito nods his head.

“And it is even more challenging for those who invest in the booths here. The IT companies are full of technical wizards and geeks, and these are guys who have little interest in human beings. They are not even happy to meet strange people, leave alone selling to them. This is where Tiger Polish comes in. We have professional trainers to teach technical talent how to meet, greet, and interact with prospective customers attending these shows.”

“Well, I always thought the technical guys were impossible to train in marketing skills,” you say. “So you have evidently found a way to get under their skin.”

“Indeed we have, Papyrus,” booms the Nawab. “Tiger Polish is all about bringing out the hidden salesperson inside you—and you,” he says, tapping DeVito on his chest.

“Hey, you’re assuming that I am a techie who can’t sell, nabob,” says DeVito, bristling. “First, let me tell you that I’m not your ordinary Cee-Tee-Ooh with a modicum of social skills. Secondly, I have modules—I mean talents—in salesmanship that you wouldn’t dream of matching—even with a ton of Tiger Polish.”

“No offence meant, dear DeVito,” says Ghallstone, putting on his most charming smile. “We nawabs, or nabobs, if you like, tend to make sweeping assumptions. Must be part of our overbearing attitude bred into our genetic code over centuries of decadence.”

“That’s all right,” says DeVito graciously. “I’m an overbearing creature myself, if you look into my pedigree.”

“Anyway, let’s not get distracted,” you say hastily before DeVito discloses too much about his robotic origins. “You were talking about why trade shows need your services?”

“Ah, that’s right, Papyrus. The reason for polishing a trade show presence is simple—it’s for boosting sales. Although many trade-show veterans know that very few deals are closed at these shows, they see that the sales cycle can be speeded up when victims—or prospects, to be more respectful—have a positive experience with show-booth personnel.”

“So the idea is to train these guys in the art of entrapment?”

“What a word, Papyrus. But then, what is the harm? Besides if you let loose raw booth personnel, particularly techies not trained in how to communicate effectively in the hectic whirlwind trade-show environment like you see here, they may inadvertently turn customers away.”

“Why do you need these trade shows, anyway?” says DeVito. “Why not get the sales guys out in the field to sell to the victims— prospects—customers—directly?”

“That’s the problem. If the sales guys were any good, they would get prospects tumbling out of the air. These trade shows are justified in part by the marketing department chiefs because of all the “qualified” leads they supposedly get in one big bang. Years ago, they asked you to sign a book as you picked up your free pen or stress-relief ball at the booth, but eventually they realised there could not be that many gullible morons who were CIOs or CTOs. So now, we train them to collect your business card before they part with the free gift. This is what we call a qualified lead. Notice we have not once mentioned what you, the prospect might be looking to buy, or what they sell. Now that comes later. So marketing will provide sales with a big number—say 350—of qualified leads.”

“So Tiger Polish gives the marketing guys in the booth the slimy ability to collect business cards so their sales people can follow up and get the victim—prospect—customer to bite later on?”

“That is one of the skills we teach, Papyrus. There are many, many more. We have a complete manual of trade show polish processes, each designed to …”

“… put a tiger in your booth?” you say, looking at the fierce cat hovering in the background behind the nawab.

“Ha, ha, Papyrus. You notice how our tiger catches your imagination? Now tell me, how often do you send your marketing people out to exhibitions? You know, we have a special package deal for companies like Baffle ...”

“Here’s my business card, and thank you for the entertainment, nawab,” you say, grabbing DeVito’s hand and heading away into the crowd.