Humour

DeVito at the IT Bazaar

DeVito’s visit to the IT trade show in Bangalore turns into a fan show, writes T A Balasubramanian.

“It is an educative experience to wander around the ancient yet modern spice bazaar that is the IT Trade Show, Danny,” you say as you accompany the rotund, balding replica of Danny DeVito, presently the CTO of Baffle Corporation, on what will be the first among many of his expeditions into the arcane mysteries of the computer business.

“It’s part of your job as CIO of Baffle Corporation to update DeVito on the real world,” you have been instructed by Prof Ironica Asimova, Head of Ironica Robotica. She, along with her lovely team members, has created the first biped walking humanoid, supposedly for enhancing corporate IT efficiency at Baffle. You, Papyrus Bytewala, are therefore now responsible for getting DeVito’s programs updated with real-life experiences. It would otherwise be difficult for your robotic associate to deal meaningfully with the subtle pitches and wily strategies of a variety of snake-oil salesmen, unctuous vendors, and other characters with charming but slippery dispositions.

“This is important,” Ironica has stressed, “for the healthy functioning of DeVito’s database. You have to ensure that he gets immersed in the real world in small dosages since a robot will be confused if you let him deal unsupervised with a substantially larger amount of sensory information. Since most of the information we gather through our senses is redundant, our brains have to extract the meaningful parts of it. Robots like DeVito will have to do the same, dealing with unfamiliar experiences, and part of that effort will create stress and disorientation at times.”

So here you are, playing teacher and primary disambiguator, bodyguard and chaperone, to DeVito at the Techno Over-exposition of Geeks and Gizmos for Lazy Enterprises (TOGGLE), now on its tenth annual blitzkrieg in Bangalore.

DeVito, of course, is flashing his full Hollywood persona at everybody around, cracking lines of witty dialogue, signing autographs for dewy-eyed fans, waving at people around, and generally gathering enough sensory information to blow his fuses. All of it, as you see it, is going to make him a better CTO in the Baffle hierarchy, and in any case, Ironica has asked you never to censor the exposure, but to “let it be immersive, open to the world, and such as to allow his personality to flower and bloom.”

You recall Ironica’s proud introduction. “It was my idea to slip DeVito into Baffle without letting anyone know. Danny here is a cybernetic wonder because you can’t ever discover that he’s a humanoid just by interacting with him. But the reverse is not true—with the right prompting, he will continue to discover more and more about human eccentricities, foibles and dysfunctions as you let him loose on people.”

So here you are, looking on with indulgence at the impeccable duplicity of DeVito’s performance as a virtual human while letting him absorb, like a sponge, the experience of dealing with the throbbing bustle and hustle of the human tide.

“An IT exhibition is a perfect place for you, Danny...a whimsical exercise in pure exhibitionism,” you observe as you steer him away from several gawking girls. You recall Ironica’s remark wryly: “We call it the power of applied cute. Our research shows that cuteness has great value. If it is designed as a life-like roly-poly and short version of a lovable human character like Danny, it’s easier for people to relate to it emotionally. The more life-like the robot, the more people respond.”

“It would seem so, Papyrus,” you hear DeVito responding while hugely enjoying the attention of his fans. “I have the sensibility of an actor, or so Ironica keeps telling me. The way I see it, all of human life is here on a stage show—the bewitching beauties, acrobats, magicians, jugglers, artists, merchants and craftsmen.”

“Ah, you have a point, Danny. But again, as in any stage performance, you will also come across misers, conmen, beggars, gypsies, tramps and thieves. The IT business is pure drama, at least until you buy the goodies from the vendors, or sign their service agreements,” you say, keeping in mind your role as reality-check guru. “Even so, what a place this is for the true enthusiast to hone his knowledge of cutting-edge technology, expand his horizons, and meet up with old friends, eh?”

“It’s also a day off work. Now that’s something even a humanoid can appreciate, Papyrus,” says DeVito, stopping to admire a flashy young salesgirl presenting a pen drive.

“That’s right. We’re free from the daily grind today. Follow me through the teeming throng, breathe in the rich aromas, marvel at the silicon glitz and glitter, and put your scepticism aside as you prepare to be amazed by the assembled showmen and women with their wondrous novelties. Oh, I nearly forgot, have you got a big plastic bag to put all the brochures and free stuff in? If you have not, no need to worry, you can pick one up right here at the huge stall set up by the Cyberia Cafe.”

“Oh, I love these bags. It’s like a shopping expedition, eh?”

“Yes, except that all the goodies here are free. Let us head straight for the centre of things, where the crowds jostle and excitement is at fever pitch: the Penguin Park. As we approach, we see—gasp—a dancing penguin! What will they think of next?” you say.

“Ah, this is like old times, Papyrus. My Hollywood double played the role of The Penguin in Batman Returns, the first Batman sequel. He was good at being bad, doing those wicked exploits, being nasty, freakish and mean-spirited, and teaming up with that evil tycoon, Max Shreck, to drain Gotham City of its energy supply. Batman almost threw up his hands and pulled off his mask in despair. But why do they have these cute penguins here?”

“Well, let’s just say that they’re cool and geeky, unlike the vile and twisted character you played. Open systems, led by one Leanox, are here to stay, Danny, and there’s going to be more of these cute penguins on every desktop. Or so the Leanox fans would like to believe.”

“Leanox? Now where did I hear that before?”

“Good morning, Mr DeVito,” says the smiling salesgirl penguin, dressed in a slinky black velvet gown and wearing a red hat as she stops dancing to read the name on Danny’s tag. “I am happy to tell you that, according to research by Duckbill & Goose, Leanox now has an accepted place in the corporate data centre. It has a reputation for being almost free or at least economical, and companies such as yours believe that the benefits go beyond the bottom line. Increased competition between Leanox and Windoves will drive customers such as you crazy as you struggle to compare different options, dream of lower prices, and maybe even turn into save-the-penguin enthusiasts. We encourage all this, of course.”

“Leanox competes with Windoves?” says DeVito, grinning as he admires the girl in the hat. “This is great. And penguins wear red hats?”

“Oh, good, let’s take the brochure and come by later,” you say, quickly leading your protege away. “I can explain this Danny, without the distracting influence of black velvet and coloured hats.”