Humour

Checking the smart alec user

T A Balasubramanian continues his tale of a CIO's endless problems.

In his inimitable style, Dr Don Jong takes up another session, delving into the ever-shaky world of Bobo Jitter, the frequently bewildered CIO of Bazooka Company. Dubbed The Oddfather because of the unusual fixes that he offers, Dr Jong has an undisputed talent for dealing with technology’s multi-faceted challenges.

“I do believe that the CIO holds the most thankless job in a company. Mainly because he has to work against a tide of uncaring users who think they know more than any of the techies in the IT department, particularly the CIO. Of course, most managers are challenged by those whom they serve, but I do believe that there are certain extra-obnoxious users in Bazooka who are bent on making my life miserable.”

“And why is that, Bobo?” says Dr Jong, tapping the ashes from the cup of his pipe into a tray calmly.

“Our considerate CEO, Bazooka Zinca, or Bazoo, as we call him in private, has been given a nasty letter by one of these fellows. Here, read it out. I don’t have the heart to read it again myself.”

“Oh, it is that bad? All, right, so let me read it out to you: ‘Dear Mr. Zinca, The entire IT department at Bazooka, which means some 50 guys, headed by Bobo Jitter, are showing signs of megalomania. They have been ignoring wise user input for about a year. Moreover, they have not been able to sell their ideas of change management to senior management such as you. We have terrible server down time, overflowing network storage, and no backups systems worth the name. It is about time that those on top like you, sir, start noticing these signs. We users are staging a revolt to make IT more responsive to users like us by creating a special interest group from the company divisions and IT to discuss needs and solutions. We will be creating a charter. We will be listing out our own idea of services and responsibilities we would demand from Bobo and the IT department.’ Hmm, quite a statement.”

“Now tell me, Doc, what would you do if your CEO received an obnoxiously self-assertive letter like that from a group of patients you have been treating?”

“Ah, I admit that this is a provocative letter, Bobo. I would probably have had a good laugh with my CEO over this kind of nonsense, but fortunately, I have no CEO, and you have one. Now, you have to give this guy who wrote to the boss high points for bravado—and then subtract all of them for stupidity. He actually lets slip the word that should never be used in an opening conversation about IT people: megalomania.”

“That’s what galls me the most, Doc. A smart alec user calls my entire team a bunch of megalomaniacs, and he has the audacity to tell my boss.”

“Well, what did Bazooka Zinca have to say to you about this smart Alex?”

“Alec, not Alex. He said nothing. He just handed me the letter with a smirk and asked me to take care of the matter.”

“That is good, Bobo. So he thinks it is not worth his time to meddle in the matters that IT should rightly be grappling with. But he was not upset, it would appear, since, as you observe, he smirked.”

“No. He seemed to be more amused with the writer.”

“Excellent. I think your provocative user has done himself in splendidly. Worse, he shows no curiosity about what actually might be causing all these problems besides what he smugly calls megalomania. Even we do not use a term like that easily.”

“Well, Doc, what would those problems be?”

“Maybe the state of Bazooka’s business, the boss’s interest (or lack thereof) in IT, your IT budget, or even your IT workload. You know, you could think of a dozen more.”

“That is correct, Doc. I was actually too flummoxed to think.”

“Well, now your provocateur pushes another hot button by crowning himself an expert—a “wise user”—thereby asserting, without showing any evidence for his expertise, that any reasonable user would reach the same conclusions as he does. Consciously or not, what he is really doing is firing a shot at the Boss himself, so I am not surprised that Mr Zinca, was abused.”

“Amused, you mean, not abused.”

“Ah, amused, yes, that is the word.”

“So what would you suggest I should do?”

“Since he is, shall we say, having a highly inflated sense of his own self-importance, you would be playing into his corner of the jungle if you actually got provoked, Bobo. For that is what he expects. Instead, I will give you a plan to make a monkey out of this smart alec, as you say. But do it quietly, using his own method.”

“And how will that be?”

“So let me call on our wise monkey friends. You know how they can start a fight, these monkeys, with a seemingly minor skirmish which then goes on to become a full-blown war. A user starting off in this tone of voice is like a young chimpanzee from, say, the Red Monkey Band going into the territory of the Blue Monkey Band and asking the Chief Monkey why the Blue Monkeys are so rude when they come to play at Chimps Park, where all the monkeys gather. Particularly when the Red Monkeys think they can play smarter than the Blue ones.”

“I suppose this has a deeper meaning?”

“Indeed. Now the Chief Monkey leaves it to the Blue Monkey leader to respond, not wanting to enter into the arena. So what would the leader do from his corner?”

“I have no idea, Doc. Reply in a tone that the Red provocateur can understand?”

“Exactly. So here’s what you say to the Boss. ‘The non-IT users at Bazooka (some 1,500 people) are showing signs of incompetence, and have been ignoring wiser technology inputs for about a year. Additionally, they have not been able to accept changes to senior management. Unchecked computer usage, irresponsible bandwidth usage, and no common sense are making those on top notice. We, from the IT department, are staging a revolt to make users more responsible to IT by creating a group from the company divisions to discuss needs and solutions.’ That should do nicely.”

“But will it work, Doc? After all, this user is ready for a battle.”

“The point is not to draw him into battle, Bobo. This little drama is all for the benefit of your Boss, Mr. Zinca, who is already amused. You see, now the Chief Monkey can see through the Red provocateur’s posturing.”

“Oh, I see, Doc. By pretending to use the same arrogant tone that I have been assaulted with, I show my Boss that I am as amused as he is, eh?”

“Fou, mais merveilleux! You have seen the light, my boy. And soon, I can assure you, you will hear from the smart alec in a more considerate, subdued tone. Or maybe you would never again hear from him.”