Humour

The average CTO brain

T A Balasubramanian on the need to upgrade DeVito's built-in PCO (political correctness optimiser).

It’s been a long, but interesting day of observation and insight, so far, for Doodh Byramji. Known also as Doodh, or Doodhi, he is employed with Baffle Technologies (also called Baff-Tech), as an audacious design engineer. Here he continues his diary notes on the investigations at Baffle Corporation featuring the workings of Danny DeVito, the first biped walking humanoid and CTO of Baffle.

At Baffle’s conference hall, Doodh and Danny are in the presence of Papyrus Bytewala, CIO, Chaibo, the tea-serving robot, and a trio of alluring guests, including Prof Ironica Asimova, Head of Ironica Robotica, Senior Researcher Nina Nilgiri, and Lola Lipton, Chief Designer and Head of the biodynotics team that developed Chaibo and Danny.

1.30 pm: We have been probing the intricate relationship between humanoid subordinates and human bosses, and, of course, the possibility of humanoids, and other robotic creations, such as Chaibo, working in offices without creating too much of dissonance, as Ironica and Nina would put it.

Papyrus, who seems to look as if he has just been ticked off by Ironica and Nina for being too imperious a boss in his dealings with DeVito, is being consoled by Chaibo, who, after jovially announcing that ‘Papyrus needs a good laugh,’ is now offering the gloomy CIO a cup of tea.

“That’s right, Chaibo,” says Ironica, with a smile. “Of course, laughter is necessary to keep all of us sane, even a sometimes testy humanoid. But, in a professional setting, it becomes a different type of laughter. One of the interesting things we found about organisations is that humans seem to mix up professionalism with dead seriousness. Of course, to some, this is no big deal—they like being serious, anyway. But, to those that have a funny bone, this constant cultural pressure to keep up a façade of being ‘seriously professional’ is a big headache and a detriment to what might otherwise be a fun-filled workplace.”

“The funny bone again,” says Danny, “will I ever be able to grow one of those?”

“You can have mine,” says Chaibo. “If you can find it inside all the metalwork. Ha, ha.”

“A wisecracking tea-service robot is all that I can take now before I blow a fuse,” says DeVito. The room erupts with laughter.

“Cheer up, Danny,” says Ironica, “You have to realise that when your human boss asks if you have a sense of humour, he’s not literally asking if you’re a clown.”

“He’s not, eh? So what exactly is he saying?”

“What he is asking is whether or not you can accept criticism, deal with difficult creatures, and gracefully handle mistakes without snapping everyone’s heads off when things get stressful. Is that accurate, Papyrus?”

“Pretty good, I would say,” says Papyrus, looking considerably more cheerful by the minute. “I think maybe I have to explain these things a little more plainly to my CTO here.”

I note that the air has cleared a little, now that the clouds are being pushed apart.

“It is important and considered professional to be able to take criticism, especially from bosses, lightly. It is sometimes used in Baffle as a nagging tool of ‘turf wars’ than an actual personal attack,” says Nina, joining in. “Nobody likes being dressed down, Danny, but if you are at the receiving end, you must keep in memory that it’s not about you as a humanoid.”

“All right. So if my boss picks on what I’m doing or saying—or not doing or saying, as the case may be—I am to conclude that it has nothing to do with me, Danny DeVito, but maybe it’s about my programming or my
data bank?”

“That’s it, Danny. It’s about fixing a bug in your program, or putting in something missing in your data—such as the metaphors you did not seem to understand,” says Lola, pitching in for the first time. “All this, of course, means that we need to upgrade your built-in PCO.”

“And PCO stands for?”

“Political correctness optimiser. It is calibrated to provide you with just the right level of smartness to be able to perform the job of an average CTO without overwhelming your boss.”

“Hold on,” says Papyrus. “What, exactly have you put into this so-called ‘average’ CTO profile?”

“I can answer that, Papyrus,” says Nina, sweetly taking over. “Based on our research, we have found that CTOs who are less concerned with winning at all costs, or less ‘task-oriented’ as we call it, tend to be more effective and better able to enjoy their experience in working with dominant CIO bosses. Being less task-driven, DeVito is a softie who likes to focus on improving his relationships by chatting and engaging in lengthy, and seemingly unproductive conversations, particularly with the opposite sex. Senior managers in Baffle, such as you, are the company’s stars. They set extremely high goals for themselves and those they supervise. The same behavioural traits may not work for a CTO, who may need soft skills and people stroking abilities. Moreover, since he’s a humanoid, the ‘unspoken rules’ of human behaviour must first be learned, then mastered.”

“All right, now that’s your idea of political correctness? So what you’re telling me is that you have made my CTO less interested in being focussed on tasks, and more interested in chatting up the girls?”

“Oh don’t turn it into a productivity issue, Papyrus,” says Ironica, soothingly. “That’s the way Danny is improving his knowledge of how we humans behave. How else is he going to negotiate the choppy waters of Baffle’s high-and-mighty power circles? How else will he deal with devious IT vendors who will stop at nothing to make an extra buck out of your corporate pocket? How else will he gain social acceptability?”

“I’m not questioning these necessary traits. All I want to know is whether your PCO has factored in my requirements from a CTO before you decided to freeze Danny’s program and let him loose on me.”

“And what are those requirements, Papyrus?” says Ironica, raising a hand as if to accept a gift.

“Ah, at long last, I actually have someone directly asking me what I want,” moans Papyrus, raising both hands to the ceiling dramatically.

I note that Chaibo rolls up next to Papyrus with an expression of utmost concern. “Here is my assessment,” he pronounces. “Papyrus needs a strong cup of tea.”