Humour

DeVito takes charge

T A Balasubramanian on how DeVito passes the ultimate test of the Baffle Mafia

“He’s a human, not a humanoid, Chaibo,” you declare, tapping Danny DeVito, your newly-introduced CTO and Hollywood-star-lookalike on the shoulder. “Just look at him, he’s got skin and he walks, talks and makes wisecracks like the rest of us.”

“Negative,” says Chaibo, who has just responded belligerently to the news that there is a change in management that might directly involve his robotic career path. “I beg to differ, Papyrus. DeVito is actually…”

“Oh, for God’s sake, are you insane Chaibo? You don’t get to choose your bosses any more than you don’t get to pick your parents. That’s quite an un-cooperative attitude you have there for a robot,” says DeVito, stepping in briskly with a remote that he punches to stop the mechanical voice in mid-sentence.

“I see that my job’s already proving to be a complication and a challenge, folks.” He turns and smiles tightly at the assembled Baffle Mafia, almost wobbling as he swings around. The Baffle gang watches the scene with morbid fascination as Chaibo becomes still and mute.

You, Papyrus Bytewala, the ever-challenged CIO of Baffle Corporation, are sitting next to Gulabi Manpowa, head of HR. Next to her is Fin Fina, the feisty CFO, and Brando Bhatt, the voluble marketing head. Also present is Chaibo, the biodynotic corporate chai-serving robot, who has been temporarily put into a coma by DeVito’s sudden intervention. And sitting next to you to your left is the annoyed Systems Officer, Brooke Bond, your staffer. His disgruntlement comes from the recent shift of responsibility that you have thought up. The onus of Chaibo’s management has just gone away from him to DeVito.

“You didn’t have to do that,” says Brando, pointing to DeVito’s remote. “I wanted to hear him out. Maybe he’s a robot, but he has a right to say what he’s…programmed to say,” he finishes lamely.

“Oh, come on Brando,” says Gulabi, looking admiringly at DeVito. “He’s manfully taking charge of that…that tea-service contraption, and you want to hear its opinion? Chaibo’s been such a sweet helpful guy, but what with all his recent tantrums and rebellious moods, I think Papyrus is right in having Danny here take over. And he does it with such an air of authority, oh my!”

“Oh, I’m not so sure about that,” says Fin Fina, cutting into the discussion with his usual icy observations. “I think we have a right to know more about our new CTO friend here, folks. If Chaibo has a sneaky suspicion that he’s a humanoid, maybe we should ask for a clarification, don’t you think?”

“Well, now chief,” says Bond waking up from what seems to be a deep grouchy sleep. “Every day, in laboratories around the world, robots are getting smarter. They are moving with more precision and growing more and more sensitive to sights, sounds and surfaces. Honda’s latest Asimo is a neat walking humanoid robot that’s good enough to function as an office receptionist. Asimo can guide guests to a meeting room, serve tea on a tray, and push a cart with a load of up to 10 kilograms. He, or she, has a running speed of six kilometres per hour, and can now run in a circle and zigzag.”

“How does running in a circle help anyone in an office?” says Gulabi.

“Never mind the details,” you say patiently. “What’s your point, Bond?”

“I think Mr. Fin Fina has a point. We don’t really know if Danny DeVito is a human, do we? What if we have a humanoid CTO here right beside us?” You get the distinct feeling that Bond isn’t too happy having to surrender managerial control over Chaibo to this late arrival, and he’s siding with Fina just to make his position clear.

“All right, folks,” you sigh. “Let’s ask the person who is the cause of all this unnecessary doubt and tension. I apologise for asking you this silly question. Danny, are you a humanoid?”

“Me? You’re talking to me?” says DeVito, standing up to his full height of five feet. He laughs loudly, with his hands on his hips. “Do you really think I’m some kind of droid? You guys think that I got hired by Baffle for the position of chief technology officer without even being asked if I’m a human being? You think Biswajeet Baffle, the Boss himself, would let me walk in here and join your team as Cee-Tee-Ooh if I were some kind of machine? Come on Papyrus, have you been smoking something? Are you nuts?”

“Look, Danny, I don’t mean to be offensive, all right?” you say. “So there, folks,” you continue, turning to the assembled de facto Baffle Jury, now wanting proof that the accused is, indeed human. “You heard it from the man himself. A humanoid wouldn’t be able to talk the way Danny just did. He’s providing logic and rational explanations for being a corporate life form just like us—except for Chaibo, of course, who is a bona fide robotic invention.”

“He did not provide evidence that he’s not a humanoid yet,” says Fin Fina pointedly. “All he did was to ask a lot of rhetorical questions. That’s not proof of anything.”

“Come on Finny. Here, pinch his hand and check him out,” says Gulabi, pushing Danny forward. “You think he’s a humanoid? With these muscles on his arms? Ooh!” she murmurs, pinching.

“Hey, Gulabi, that hurts,” says DeVito, wincing, but wearing his widest grin.

“She’s right, Finny,” says Brando, tweaking DeVito’s other arm experimentally. “There’s no technology out there that can produce such a realistic creature. Not anything that I know of, at least.”

“Well, folks, you’re in for a surprise then,” says a husky female voice at the door to the conference room. “I see that Danny has made himself already comfortable in Baffle.”

You turn, along with the assembly, to see Prof Ironica Asimova breezing in. The founder of Ironica Robotica is dressed in a purple skirt with a lime-green top. “Hello Danny,” she says to DeVito.

“Folks, it’s a pleasure to tell you that DeVito, our first biped walking humanoid, has passed the ultimate test. He’s been accepted as a flawless human being precisely because he has the social skills to imitate or mimic every human fault. And my dear Fin Fina here has been, shall we say, the perfect testing ground, suspicious to the last sniff.”

Fin Fina looks flustered and you actually see a thin smile breaking over his grim features.