Humour

The Oddfather’s Jungle Book

T A Balasubramanian writes that business being unpredictable, is essentially all ‘monkey business’

Another memorable session from the diary of Dr Don Jong continues digging into the topsy-turvy world of Bobo Jitter, the bedeviled CIO of Bazooka Company. Dr Jong, a specialist in the treatment of technology’s unsettling conditions, is also known as The Oddfather because of the unusual fixes he offers.

“How often have you heard the expression “It’s is a jungle out there,” or that business being unpredictable, is essentially all ‘monkey business’?” says Dr Jong, soothing as usual.

“Well, not in those words, but yes, I get your drift, Doc,” says Bobo, reclining on a soft silky couch even as the good psychiatrist settles down in front of him, with a pencil and a notepad. “That may actually turn out to be true in more senses than one, since jungles are known to be the home of monkeys of all kinds.”

“Ah, good, Bobo. It may come as a surprise to you, as a diligent CIO who presumes that a nose to the grindstone is all you need to keep your projects and career on track, but your success may not be connected with your ability to spout abstract technical jargon that make others in your business jungle see red.”

“But you’re the one who advised me to load my talk with abstract technical jargon, Doc,” protests Bobo, “to get the better of Fin Fina, my CFO.”

“Contradictions, my friend, abound in psychiatry. What works for one situation, such as Fin Fina’s lack of comprehension, or technical dullness, may not hold for many others you will encounter.”

“Different strokes for different folks, eh, Doc?”

“Ah, that’s the correct expression you offer, Bobo. But what I want you to comprehend is that you must become, in the business jungle, a very good grease monkey,” says Jong, his voice smooth and silky.

“And what exactly is that?” says Bobo, scratching his chin.

“You see, a skilled grease monkey is known for his ability to survive by climbing up with any foothold he can find—even if it means grabbing the long tails of other monkeys or the strong vines on higher branches of nearby trees. Long tails, strong vines. What I call a good grease monkey drill,” says Jong, making scrambling gestures with his bony hands.

“I am glad you explained that,” says Bobo, letting out a gasp of relief.

“From my recent research, I find that the collective wisdom of experienced technology climbers who have mastered the good grease monkey drill is that long tail and strong vine support from executives and influential peers is the best way to ensure successful project implementations. To foster, cultivate and maintain that long tail and strong vine support, or backup, as you would say in your language, you, as the good monkey CIO, must confront one of your biggest challenges: keeping all branch holders of the corporate jungle involved in whatever you are undertaking.”

“Well,” says Bobo, “You may be right, Doc. Looking back on my career, maintaining long tail and strong vine backup, as you put it, in long-term projects was always something I could improve on.”

Dr Jong nods approvingly. “Many IT professionals, such as yourself, are far more comfortable implementing nuts-and-bolts than spending time day-to-day with the upper branch holders, or senior management, or even those in their own level of the tree. You find it easy to go to a high-level meeting, sell a concept about your new pole, and start climbing it without thinking about keeping other people engaged in your activities. But, you see, maintaining that engagement requires you to abandon your old tree.”

“Now what does that mean, abandon my old tree?”

“Leave your familiar tree. That means stepping out of your cool air-conditioned rooms. Throw away the alluring PowerPoint presentations and seek out opportunities to chat to people informally. If, as a CIO, you do not take time to build hand-to-tail and hand-to-vine networks in the jungle, you should not be surprised to find your projects dropping to the jungle floor often, instead of getting complete and winning approval. Not to mention having difficulty in getting budgets approved in future ventures by Fin Fina, or even keeping a steady place in the tree, my friend.”

“You mean it would work on Fin Fina as well?”

“Of course. Your inability to influence, negotiate, and establish handholding trust and vine-grabbing credibility with veterans of the troop is the single most significant factor in explaining why you drop off your tree so often. Or, to put it differently, a monkey up a grease pole with no tail-and-vine backup is bound to come sliding down fast.”

“And how do I make this happen, Doc?”

“The time to get support is on the way up the pole, when the grease is not slippery yet. Do not wait to reach out until you desperately need to rally support for a specific project. Good grease monkeys set up vines and look for tails, anytime, anywhere.”

“Do you know of anyone for who this has worked?”

“Yes, of course. My casebook is full of grease monkey stories. For example, there is Pompom Patter, CIO with Tangle Corporation. Now Pompom was implementing a new ERP system that had a tough rule. All goods must be supplied from one central warehouse. He took advantage of chance meetings in the company canteen to update the irritated vice-president of sales on the need for what he was doing in the new system, which was to issue stock from a single warehouse, even if it would mean delayed deliveries to some key customers. And these customers were upset with the vice-president because the central warehouse rule was causing delays. Now Pompom has to defend his ERP system rule or end up scuttling the
project to pacify the vice-president. Pompom’s grease pole was the challenge to keep the critical elements of what he was doing as the CIO fresh and clear in the minds of the functional executives so that when he needed support swing, he could always get it.”

“So why the canteen, Doc?”

“Ah, that is the long tail, my friend. In the jungle, territorial instincts are important for survival. Monkeys are sensitive to turf. They are emotional creatures. It was important that Pompom’s chat took place on the table in the canteen over lunch. In the casual surrounding, the vice-president could get his anger, how do you say, off his chest? Once that happened, he could relax and listen while Pompom explained the new system to him, calming him down. Now that made a strong vine.”

“I see. So a good monkey drill makes use of anything suitable to catch another monkey. In short, seizing the opportunity. That sounds like good monkey business to me, Doc.”

“Voila, you comprehend! You are now ready to climb the most slippery pole with aplomb, my friend.”