Humour

The birth of Chaibo

T A Balasubramanian on the mission to upgrade the Chai Server.

Doodh Byramji, also known as Doodh or Doodhi, is the tireless and unfailingly baffled design engineer of Baffle Techno-logies, otherwise called Baff-Tech.

Here he continues the record of his encounter with Professor Ironica Asimova, an acknowledged expert on robotics, and Head of Ironica Robotica. His current mission is to upgrade the prototype of the Chai Server into a technologically-advanced robot.

3.45 pm: Ironica is taking me on the guided tour of her design laboratory.

“But you need not wait for the big brute Arnibo, Doodh. The home pet is already here. You see this Kibo? From the day you interact with him, he will become your companion,” says Ironica, picking up one of the frisky creatures at her feet, begging for attention.

“I notice you call Kibo a he, not a she, Professor Asimova,” I say, observantly. “My wife Darjeeling would certainly call Kibo a she.”

“Oh, I love little boy puppies, so I call him a he, but you can call Kibo a she, if you like, Doodh.”

“Never mind,” I say quickly not wanting to disclose my preference in the canine gender. “But why do we allow these Kibos—or robot puppies—to seduce us? Don’t we know that they are just machines with programs running inside them?” I ask her.

Ironica laughs. “Because we are suckers, not for realism, but for relationships. We are vulnerable to technology that knows how to push our buttons in a human way. I remember vividly the time I saw the first Kibo here. He made eye contact with me and traced my movement across the room,” she recalls, kissing the metallic nose of the robot in her arms. “He moved his face and torso, wagged his tail, paid attention to me, and gestured with an outstretched paw. It takes your breath away when you find how you react to a robot looking at you, almost sensing you. But I am sure you have not come all the way here to listen to my sentimental lecture, Doodh. So what is the project you have in mind for us here at Robotica?”

I explain the idea of upgrading the Chai Server so that it becomes more appealing, even playful, to the international market for corporate meetings. I read out Brooke Bond’s concept note to Prof Asimova. “The Chai Server is based on a unique concept called the Theory of Beverages. We have analytical research studies from the highly-respected Duckbill & Goose group of consultants to show that technically-savvy enterprises have increased attendance in meetings by artfully deploying certain beverages according to some scientific laws. We have tested the laws empirically in Baffle, and I am happy to report that the Chai Server validates the theory well.”

Ironica listens gravely, nodding her head. “Ah, full of the usual corporate and technical gobbledegook, I see. In simple terms, business meetings are like playtime in the nursery for kids, Doodh. You have to think of all these big corporate people as kids, and the beverages they consume as energy sources. Kids get bored easily, so they need toys, and that is because they define aliveness in terms of emotion, you see. So by making your Chai Server more like my pet Kibos you see around here, you will be giving them a smart new corporate toy. Maybe you should give it a new name to reflect its evolution into an Kibo-like avatar?”

“Chaibo?” I suggest. “Seems a logical extension if you combine the Chai Server and Kibo.”

“Oh, that’s excellent, Doodh. Chaibo it is, on special order from Baff-Tech.”

“What are the design changes you will make, Professor Asimova?”

“Well, the Chai Server you have now is limited to Bond’s control software, which is rather primitive. We can still use it to give our Chaibo improved recall of names and chai preferences. But serving tea will just be Chaibo’s most basic ability. Since we are now talking of a smart robot, we will add on navigation control and a record function. The software can also synchronise with your Microsoft Outlook appointment schedule, so Chaibo can remind you in meetings when you tend to lose track of time. We can even use text-to-voice recognition to tell you what the appointment is. Maybe we can add on a media player to have soothing MP3 music. There’s much more, of course, but the major change will be that Chaibo, although geared to serve beverages, will also be a puppy-like entertainment robot, bringing cheer to dull meetings.”

“Will Chaibo be able to roam around and respond to voices?”

“Why not? Our software engineers have been working to make the robot more lifelike by tightening up its response times and increasing its playfulness. We already have voice recognition, navigation and autonomy in the second version of the Kibo Mind software. Then again, Chaibo would use image-recognition technology, not only to recognise and recall objects such as tables and feet, but also to remember their location, which is especially useful for navigation. Like my Kibo, Chaibo can also be programmed to respond to voice commands in one second. He can even respond while he’s in the middle of responding to a different command.”

“That is excellent, Professor Asimova. Meetings in companies bore people to death. I can quite imagine that Chaibo would excite Baffle’s customers.”

“I would bet on it, Doodh. You know, if a customer who orders Chaibo is interested, we could even build in a module for a watchdog function.”

“A watchdog function? And watch—I mean what—is that?”

“You see, Kibo Mind software also adds a new surreptitious mode to the robot’s repertoire. So, when you use this function, Chaibo can record video, sound and pictures of whatever it senses around during a meeting, and it can send this information to your e-mail address. You still can’t access Chaibo directly from a remote location, but now you have a perfect remote watchdog in the meeting hall.”

“That seems pretty sneaky Professor Asimova. Somehow, I don’t like the idea of having a Chaibo act as a watchdog for my boss when I am imagining that it is there in the meeting to offer beverage support and improve office efficiency,” I protest, perfectly sure that Baidyanath Baffle would feel exactly the opposite way. No point giving unnecessary ammunition to those who already have their arsenals loaded.

“Of course, Doodh, you can choose not to plug in that module if you feel strongly about it. But you might find that some CEOs have an interest in these things, since they tend to be control freaks. I’m only giving you the complete picture of all that’s available at Robotica.”

4.30 pm: I leave Ironica Robotica, considerably changed in my attitude to all machines. As I travel home, I reflect that Prof Asimova has set in motion a major revolution in the world by increasing the capacity of machines to tap human feelings, even if they happen to do it by adapting the designs of nature.

Those Kibo puppies in her office were so real, I had to resist the urge to pick them up and pat their metallic skin. And Arnibo was a Hercules in dog form, impressive in his power and learning ability. The line between real and simulation continues to blur, and I wonder how I would present these ideas to my CEO, Baffleji.

At home, I head straight for the living room and shout, as usual, “I’m back, Chaibo, and can I have a cup of tea, my dear?”

“And who, may I ask, is Chaibo?” says Darjeeling in a tone icy enough to freeze me. This is one slippery slope that even Arnibo would not be able to climb.

(Next week: Chaibo is put into testing mode)