Humour

The Chai Server rolls on (part I)

T A Balasubramanian recounts Doodh Byramji’s encounter with robotics expert Prof Ironica Asimova.

It is another busy day in the life of Doodh Byramji. Better known as Doodh, or Doodhi, the intrepid Byramji is the perennially baffled Design Engineer of Baffle Technologies, otherwise called Baff-Tech.

Today, Byramji is all set to investigate the topic of designing a corporate robot. Recently, Baff-Tech has been given the task of suggesting means to upgrade the programmes in the Chai Server with the goal of turning it into an intelligent robot. As the name implies, the Chai Server is a contraption that serves chai, or tea, to boost the sluggish systems and bored sensibilities of those who attend corporate meetings, since research shows that the attention span of the average corporate meeting attendee is virtually zero even on the best of days.

The Chai Server has been designed in prototype form by Brooke Bond, Chief Systems Officer and Master of Questionable Innovations, who works at Baffle Corporation under the tender mercies of Papyrus Bytewala, the CIO.

Byramji has already been briefed on this topic by his CEO, Baidyanath Baffle, the founder and owner of Baff-Tech, who happens to be the elder brother of Biswajeet Baffle, CEO of Baffle Corporation.

“Doodhi, we have to put our best brain into this project,” his CEO had informed him solemnly. “And that just happens to be you. You know how testy my brother Biswajeet can be. And he is determined to make companies around the world go crazy with delight when they get their first Chai Server deliveries. The clumsy version we have from Papyrus and Bond is just a trolley with a display. Get cracking on this. Find out what the latest robotics technology geeks are up to and make this lump of steel and silicon do everything including a song and dance, you understand?”

Byramji recollects a conference he has been to on the subject of robotics. “Yes of course Mr Baffle. I can take this to Professor Ironica Asimova, the expert on robotics who will be instructing me, hopefully, in person. She is the Head of Ironica Robotica, evidently named after her. And she is the founder of the Mindful Initiative for Sapient Technology (or MIST), a very impressive group, I am told, but I have no idea what they can do for us. I will let you know within a week.”

The action is all captured, of course, in the meticulously written diary of Byramji.

9.15 am: It is time to go for my meeting with Prof Asimova. For over 10 years, Prof Asimova has been watching how human relationships with machines, high-tech and low-tech, develop. She is known for her place at the conference table in any discussion of how computers, and robots in particular, will change our lives in ironic ways that will ultimately make us happy, mindless souls incapable of lifting so much as a finger to do any work. She has sharpened her position as the leading guru of MIST by heartily endorsing the views expressed in a piece written by Sun Microsystems co-founder Bill Joy, that robots are going to take over the world soon. Or so I am told.

But now, my mission is to discover if her talent can turn the Chai Server from a clumsy prototype into the sensational sizzler that my boss, Baidyanath, is expecting me to conjure up.

9.40 am: I have arrived at the sleek modern office of Ironica Robotica, which has a symbol of Artoo-Deetoo at the entrance. I wait for a while, sitting in front of a giant console which hangs from silvery cables from a high aluminium ceiling. On the screen is a simulation of a pretty 3D receptionist, who has asked me to wait even before I could talk. I notice that the entire place is full of machines rolling around: small, dog-like metallic creatures that sniff at my feet and look at me with blinking red puppy eyes. These are of all kinds: long, wide, short, tall and in all shapes and colours. And they play music as they move, instead of yapping like normal dogs.

There are many other moving mechanical gizmos I can see inside the place through a large glass wall. There are no humans, just droids walking slowly around. Some of them are carrying light sabres in their hands, as though they are on the sets of Star Wars.

10.10 am: A lovely lady with silvery hair, wearing a swirling green gown, walks in through a metallic doorway that swings open like a suitcase top. She smiles, holding out her hand to shake. “Ah, Mr Byramji, I was hoping you would find my toys amusing while you waited,” she says. “They are all so attentive to everything you say or do, just like active little puppies.”

“You can call me Doodh,” I mumble, “Quite so, they are cute. What do they do, apart from running around and playing those pop tunes?”

“Well, Doodh, my engineers like to call them Kibos. They are quite entertaining and interactive, and they can actually learn and respond from interactions with you. They are ideal for someone who may not want or can’t have the responsibility of a live pet. They won’t dig up your potted plants, eat your socks, or ruin your luxury carpets,” she laughs. “Besides, they will fascinate your friends—even those that are allergic to pets.”

“That is very impressive, Prof Asimova. What more will computers do in the future? Will they all be like these puppies, running around our feet, amusing us?”

“The question is not what computers can do or what computers will be like in the future,” she maintains, “but rather, what we will be like. It has become increasingly clear to me that we become attached to sophisticated machines not for their intelligence but for their emotional appeal. They will seduce us by asking for human indulgence and feelings, not mental exertion,” she says, picking up one of the creatures at her feet begging for attention.

“You see this Kibo? From the first day you interact with it, it will become your companion. Indeed, it remembers you, follows your commands, and develops a personality shaped by you. I once met an elderly woman who said that her robotic pet was better than a real one because it never needed any feeding,” says Ironica.

“I wonder what the real pets—the standard poodles and domestic cats will do,” I ponder, “if their jobs are all outsourced to Kibos.”