Humour

Picking your customer’s brain - 3

T A Balasubramanian concludes his record of a meeting to boost marketing efficiency at Baffle Corporation.

Bulbul Warrior, the relentless Sales Manager from Market Blaster Inc, has been called in to continue her instructive session on the inner workings of the foggy concept called CRM.

She is back today at Baffle Corporation, presenting some remarkable new insights and pitching more modules in the hope of getting herself a good bonus, no doubt. She is addressing the governing corporate mafia at Baffle, namely Brando Bhatt, the Marketing Head; Fin Fina, the CFO; Gulabi Manpowa, the HR Head; and you, Papyrus Bytewala, the CIO.

“Let’s say we go in for your Customer Razzle Magnet,” says Brando, who, being the instigator of the current sessions, feels obliged to open and close the proceedings. “We have the database spick and span and up-to-date, and we have our top 20 percenters on our radar screen. Now what can we do to get the customer’s attention after the first sale, short of bribing her openly?”

“Good question, Brandy,” says Bulbul Warrior, full of energy as usual. “What you’re thinking about is retention. If you want customers to keep coming back, then toss out all the stuff you picked up from those glossy brochures from other vendors wanting to saddle you with the latest CRM hype, unlike me. Our solution, Customer Razzle Magnet, has the add-ons that will help you turn your most reluctant customers into devoted creatures who will never leave you.”

“Here comes another add-on to our billing,” mutters Fin Fina darkly.

“Sounds wonderful, Bully,” says Brando giving Fina a disapproving scowl.

“What we have for your special need,” smiles Bulbul, “is this powerful retention enabling module which is an innovation our R&D guys have dreamed of. We call it POODLE. Short for Positive Overdose of Ordinary Doodads for Leveraging Enthusiasm,” says Bulbul, her eyes shining with excitement.

“How does it work, Bully?” says Gulabi who has by now grown quite chummy with Bulbul. Which leaves Fina and you, the CIO, in the not-yet-conquered corner.

“CRM is about finding hooks to your customer’s pocket—I mean, heart. So what we have is this smart hook—oops, I mean, intelligent strategy—for turning customer indifference into customer loyalty. We encourage you to treat your customers, especially the docile ones who keep coming back for more of your products, as pets. We suggest you to set up schemes to reward them with inexpensive doodads so that they stay loyal and glow warmly when your company or brand name is mentioned. Remember that you are not merely selling products, but actually meeting this deep need in your customer to be appreciated, since most people don’t get any appreciation in life these days, you know. So a reward programme fills an important gap in their drab existence, and that’s where we bring POODLE technology to lock them in. A reward such as a pen or a key-chain, after they spend a good part of their income buying from you, makes your customers feel appreciated and wanted. They no longer feel that they are anonymous statistics in your database—which, of course, they still are—but they need not know that part of the strategy.”

“This is fascinating, Bully,” says Gulabi. “Especially the whole intelligent strategy behind it.”

“Oh, there’s more to it, Gully,” says Bulbul, pouting. “Before your customers became your customers, what were they?”

“Happy-go-lucky dogs with money to spare?” says Fin Fina.

“Ah, Finny, always focussed on the money thing, are we?” says Bulbul, simpering at the CFO. “The right word is strays, as in stray dogs. Your customers were roaming around with no idea about your wonderful products. Your short-term strategy, then, is to capture strays for their first nibble, then hook them with offers they cannot resist. Feed them with

doodads and convert them into pets. But pets tend to become strays too if you don’t look after them, so the long-term strategy is to keep working with POODLE so that the pets remain pets.”

“They’re not easy to keep, Bully,” you say, striking a note of dissent. “We have competition snapping after their heels with doodads too.”

“Doodads alone will not earn you trust, Pappy. And the truth is that your pets yearn for trust more than ever. Give them trust and they are yours forever,” Bulbul says dramatically throwing her arms wide. “That kind of trust is immensely valuable. Studies show that a 5 percent increase in pet retention rates results in a 25 to 95 percent increase in profits for you.”

“Now this is making sense at last,” grunts Fin Fina.

“Well, Finny, you were always such a bright boy,” says Bulbul, making Fin Fina roll his eyes up bashfully. “And as Brandy here can see, since he has invited all of you to this session, clearly, customer loyalty is too critical for Baffle’s fortunes to be left to the marketing department alone. So POODLE technology is important in determining retention and who better than our brilliant CIO here to take it on,” she says, waving to you.

“That depends on what POODLE can do, Bully,” you reciprocate quickly. “What would be useful for me is to be able to influence customer data.”

“Ah Pappy, of course you can influence customer data. With our unique POODLE tracking software you can create entirely new metrics for customer loyalty.”

“So what does that mean?” huffs Fina. “A metrics add-on we have to buy?

“Well, just a 20 percent hike in the bill, Finny. I’ll give Baffle a special discount and offer it for just 10 percent more,” coos Bulbul, with a tinkling laugh.

“Considering that we don’t have a clue about who our customers are, Finny, I would say that’s a small add-on price to pay for getting clear measures of customer loyalty,” you pipe in.

“Why don’t we just ask customers what they want from us?” says Brando, sounding dejected already.

“From our experience, that doesn’t work, Brandy,” says Bulbul. “Typically clueless companies try to measure how well they are serving their pets by getting them to fill out anonymous satisfaction surveys. But only a few of the darlings come back with honest answers, if at all they respond. A far more effective way, we find, is to focus on the fraction of docile pets willing to tell you what they think, and track the percentage who do come back. These retention rates capture the real picture of whether or not Baffle is delivering high value to its captive pets—I mean customers. What we find is that although less than 20 percent of companies track customer retention, just a few, the ones we call the Loyalty Royalty, use it to great effect.”

“Come on guys, Baffle can be part of the Loyalty Royalty!” says Gulabi with dreamy eyes.

“After we spend a fortune on Customer Razzle Magnet, and after we find out the innermost desires of our customers, and after we do the doodad thing to make them pets, and after we turn them into drooling darlings who confess their hearts out to us,” says Fin Fina, with his trademark snort.