Humour

What’s your China strategy?

T A Balasubramanian reveals an invention that will surely capture the market in China.

“Baffle Corporation is almost ready to launch the latest solution for impacting meetings, called Ping Pong. This is a concept for which the world market has been waiting breathlessly for,” announces Brando Bhatt, looking breathlessly himself at the young lady in pink.

He is, naturally, very excited, and breathless, to be part of the team that will put Ping Pong into the open test marketing phase. It has been subjected to a long and tiresome phase of beta testing within Baffle, where the meetings in the conference room are keenly fought territorial battles.

You, Papyrus Bytewala, CIO of Baffle, have been given the noble and frightful task of making the Ping Pong project technically viable. The present meeting is supposed to be a dress rehearsal for the actual launch conference. Mainly Brando and his marketing team of eager sales trainees populate it. The other attendees include, apart from you and Brooke Bond (the technology geek who has masterminded the design of Ping Pong), the usual mafia: Gulabi Manpowa, the soft-spoken Head of Human Resources, Fin Fina, the dour Chief of Finance, and last, but not least, Bindiya Baffle, the teenage daughter of your CEO, Baidyanath Baffle. The last named, of course, is the young lady in pink that Brando has been nervously addressing.

Bindiya, just back from an American business school, is being groomed by papa to be the future CEO of Baffle. Her every wish is a command at Baffle, and even the trainees have been told to tone down their exuberance when she is around inspecting the realm. Privately, and away from her hearing, of course, she is called “Awesome Bindiya” for reasons that will soon be clear.

“We have tested it internally, Bindiya,” continues Brando, almost in a hushed voice, as if he is speaking to royalty. “As Papyrus, our CIO here, will explain, it is a programmable system that is aimed at the global market.”

“That’s awesome, Brando,” says Bindiya in her accented voice, waving a slender arm at him, “Let’s hear it from Pappy here, then, shall we, guys?”

“Of course, Bindiya,” you say, rising up, bowing, and clearing your throat, while Brando sighs and sits down. “Ping Pong is based on a unique concept called the Theory of Beverages. We have analytical research studies from the highly respected Duckbill & Goose Consultants to show that technically savvy enterprises have increased attendance in meetings by artfully deploying certain beverages according to certain scientific laws. We have tested the laws empirically in Baffle, and I am happy to report that the Ping Pong solution you see here validates the theory very well.”

“That’s awesome, Pappy. Why do ya call it Ping Pong?”

“It is part of our China strategy. We hope to test market it in China, where they drink a lot of tea and play a lot of ping-pong. And since 80 percent of the beverages served in the world happen to be tea, we have used tea, or chai, for our first prototype, the Chai Server.”

“Awesome work, Pappy. You say Ping Pong has been tested internally. What didya find?” says Bindiya.

“We think we have a winner on our hands, Bindiya. Meetings at Baffle, as you know, are keenly expended … I mean attended, events where matters of grave importance, such as memo circulation modalities and code entry protocols are taken up and examined over many sessions and across hundreds of useless … I mean useful, hours. This is where Ping Pong, or the Chai Server, as we call it internally, comes in.”

At this point, Bond wheels in a shining steel trolley. On the top is a colour display, and a tray with cups arranged next to a large rectangular bubble chamber that brews chai in visible mode using a special heating system. Individuals can tap out their specifications on a special coded touch screen that has six different labels: Tea, Water, Milk, Sugar, Spices, and Accessories. The first four labels are self-explanatory, but the next two are really ingenious touches added by Bond. The Spices screen box, when tapped, will produce a sub-menu that includes Cardamom, Masala, Ginger, Lemon and Herbal. The Accessories box provides a range of teatime add-ons and edibles that includes Ice, Biscuits, Cakes, Chips, Nuts and so on.

After a short pause, during which the Chai Server is activated, Brooke Bond smilingly asks each of the attendees about their respective chai preferences. Bindiya, given the first shot by virtue of her royal rank and corporate sycophancy, goes for a Nilgiri chai without milk, but prefers a light lemon tang, and two biscuits. Gulabi opts for a blended ginger flavour chai with a plate of chips.

“Each of your preferences is now loaded into this awesome program,” says Bond, evidently pitching to the future CEO, “so now we have our database filled with everything that the Chai Server needs to know. And the menu choices you see on the screen are, of course, expandable over time.”

By now, the climate has changed, since Bindiya is evidently smitten with the gadget, and none of the attendees have to make defensive moves, and the sound and taste and smell of the beverage and the accompaniments has suffused the hall with camaraderie and rare mellow feelings. “Hey guys, this tea’s awesome. And the Theory of Beverages, Pappy. What exactly is that?” says Bindiya, sounding almost sociable with a cup of tea in hand.

“Ah, that is a good question, Bindiya,” you say, sipping your own special blend of Green Tips. “The Theory of Beverages states that unless user-defined beverages are provided in optimum levels during the course of a meeting, enterprise attention spans, which are already declining worldwide, might dip alarmingly. According to Duckbill & Goose, a five percent increase in attention span, which is induced by the choice of a right beverage in a meeting, produces a 25 percent increase in enterprise efficiency. So, when your beverage choice is programmed by a system such as Ping Pong, you attend a meeting with your brain wide awake. Which means Ping Pong saves any meeting from becoming a complete waste of time.”

“It’s also frightening, if I may add,” says Fin Fina. “We could end up making Chinese enterprises even more hyperactive than they are already. We will never be able to catch up with a sprinting dragon.”

“On the other hand, Fina,” says Gulabi, optimistically, “We could sell a lot of chai to the Chinese and improve our Ping Pong in the process.” “That’s awesome, too,” says Bindiya. “I think we’re ready to go to China, guys.”