Humour

Pain relief for CIOs

T A Balasubramanian writes why acquiring new technology, or the lack of it, does not top the list of a CIO’s troubles

“We have had a nice, comfortable ride in the market for the last couple of years. But we cannot sit smugly on our behinds any more, guys,” says Vasool More, CEO of More Enterprise Systems and Solutions, the company that is better known as “always More, but never MESS.”

The “guys” are Brando Bhatt, More’s Chief Marketing Manager, and Sellina Reddy, More’s Regional Sales Manager, and their power teams.

“Remember that CIOs are our customers, and that the job of the CIO has become more painful in the last few years,” says More, thumping his huge desk. “The poor fellows have been hit by the economic downturn, the terrible fallout from the dotcom bubble bust, and so on. But what is more important to me is to know whether they still continue to be baffled by the rapid pace of change in both business and technology.”

He pauses for dramatic effect. “As you know, baffled CIOs make delighted customers. So it is time to pull up our socks to find out exactly what’s going on inside the average CIO’s head. If we don’t know what’s happening there, we have no chance of selling our wonderful, miraculous new technology solutions to them. So out you guys go, starting now.”

Duly inspired by this directive barked at them from the top, Sellina and Brando decide to do some market research.

So they ask CIOs of all vintages to articulate their biggest challenges. Although the diplomatic word chosen in their quest is “challenges” what that really translates into is: “issues that are a real pain in the neck” for the average CIO.

When the research data starts pouring in, Sellina and Brando, pencils and notebooks in hand, get worried by what they find. So they decide to talk to their perpetually growling boss, who is known privately to them and their teams as Barking More, rather than the more flattering Vasool.

“Well, what have we got?” rumbles Vasool in his most socially cultivated growl.

“Much to our surprise, acquiring new technology, or the lack of it, does not top the list of CIO pains, Boss,” says Brando. “Which means we can’t really make the average CIO jump with joy by throwing new technologies at him.”

“This is not good,” Vasool grunts in response. “How are we going to survive if CIOs do not jump at new technology hooks to ease their pains? These CIOs must be re-educated. They must not be allowed to drift away from such perennial pains as costs, budgets and quality control. Those are the kinds of pains for which we have new technology solutions. That’s where we add value—to ourselves and to those whom we relieve from pains.”

“The problem is that most of them feel they never get any credit for handling their old-fashioned pains. Their bosses take it for granted that they would be able to manage those easily, without demanding new arms, feet and brains,” says Brando, looking at his notes.

“Well, they do have retain one of those old pains in mind as well, but it figures lower on the list” says Sellina, soothingly. The ache they talk of most is about controlling costs. They feel costs keep bloating up year after year for no reason other than inflation.”

“Ah, there is hope yet,” sighs Vasool.

“What bedevils them most is TCO, the total cost of ownership, and lifecycle management. When more and more demands pile up from perennially hungry users, the old system’s muscles have to be pumped up, the ‘lights on’ costs increase, and they have to struggle to manage that without a terrific increase in IT expense,” says Sellina.

“Then again, some new age strategy gurus have been working on some CIO minds, baffled as they are already,” says Brando. “Those who have fallen under the spell of strategy now seem to regard their computer hardware as strategic, and they will get some smart staff to manage it strategically, which is to say, in-house.”

“We have to find a way to keep these miserly strategy gurus away from CIOs,” thunders Vasool. “We have to find gurus who will encourage CIOs to be adventurous, generous—even lavish, with new technology thinking. Otherwise, we are doomed.”

“Some of the CIOs are just being cautious, Boss. The technology bubble bust may be the cause, since a lot of people got burned. One of them says here that he now prefers to have his company follow two years behind any technology trend—to make sure that the trend is valuable—rather than riding out front on a new technology wave.”

“Brando, whose side are you on?” roars Vasool.

“Hold on, Boss. For the others, those who have not been turned into strategy misers, TCO is still ‘a pain to deal with, as well as a cause of grief,’ as one of them puts it. So they may appreciate a hefty dose of outside lifecycle-management assistance. Which is where we at More may be able to bring in some much-needed muscle,” Bran-do concludes, smartly.

“Finally, something we can put our hooks into,” bellows Vasool, rubbing his hand. “Good research, guys. Just the kind I was looking for. We now have a devious path to add value. But first, there’s much that these penny-pinching strategic CIOs must learn. If they want to economise by extending their computer-replacement cycles, they must be shown the way by us at More. They should know that my own patented Vasool strategy research upholds the first principle of IT management: there’s no such thing as a free lunch.”

“Why is that so, Boss?” says Brando, looking perplexed.

“The good thing is that not all strategy advisors are born misers. The Gartner guys back me up on this, Brando,” booms Vasool. “What they say is that most PC users really need new hardware every three years or even more often. Even if they held on grimly to their 3-year-ancient models, we will give them software solutions that will work only on the next generation of chips,” he adds, laughing. “And chips follow Moore’s Law, which predicts the doubling of transistors, or chip density, every couple of years.”

“What does it all mean, Mr More?” says Sellina.

“It means that we have a lot of work to do, Sellina,” says Vasool More. “We have to get our CIO friends to adopt a new lifecycle paradigm. They have to think in terms of perishables and throwaways. If they have to reliably manage the increasingly complex demands of their users, then they have to become detached from their old systems at the same rate as Moore predicts, and stop looking for free lunches, as I predict.”